Puzzles

I hate puzzles.  I hate the ever loving shit out of puzzles. 

You’ll notice I swore nice and early in this entry.  That’s how strongly I feel about those damn things.

I was not a puzzle do-er in my youth.  They never appealed to me.  Mostly because I have no patience. 

At all. 

Whatsoever. 

And now as a mom my patience level with them is at an historic all-time low.  It’s frustrating enough not being able to put the pieces together yourself…but watching someone else struggle with this task?  It’s excruciating.

Here are some examples of things that give me the same feeling as when I watch the boys do puzzles:

-Getting lemon juice in a paper cut

-Cold ice cream on a sensitive tooth

-Stubbing your toe over and over in the same place

-Being water boarded

Those wooden ones where you put the wooden alligator piece on top of the picture of the alligator are ok.  I’m down with those.  But jigsaw puzzles? 

“Oh my GOD…are you kidding me?  That piece isn’t even the same COLOR as the piece you’re repeatedly trying to match it up with.  The sticky out pieces have to go INTO the holes.  You can just JAM two sticky out pieces together!  Don’t you know you have to do the edge first?  Turn the piece around…no…the other way…keep going…TURN IT AROUND!  What are you, 2? Just let me do it…”

I sometimes think that doing puzzles with the kids is a good idea.  Then again I sometimes think having twenty margaritas in one sitting is a good idea.  Turns out, neither of those things ever ends up being a good idea. 

The other day I got a few new puzzles and was determined to put in an effort.

At first the kids were excited because it was something new and different.  You can only play with the laundry baskets and the vacuum attachments for so long before you seek alternate forms of entertainment.

The first one we tackled was shaped like a T-Rex. 

“Boys!  Let’s do this dinosaur puzzle!”

“Yay!  Ok!”

5 minutes later…

“Mom I don’t like this puzzle, we’re gonna go play trucks.”

Wow, kids.  Way to follow things through and not be quitters.  Your work ethic amazes me. 

I refused to let them quit.  You would have thought I refused to give them food and shelter.  Cause they reacted the same way.  They screamed and cried as I forced them to sit there and endlessly match up pieces of dinosaur. I actually wanted to join them but it didn’t seem like the adult thing to do…so I swore instead.

“I fucking hate puzzles!”

“You don’t say fucking, Mama.”

“YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE PUZZLES THIS MUCH!”

At this point they were just done.  And after I searched through 58 all green pieces before I found the exact all green piece that I was looking for, I was done as well. 

I think TV was invented by someone with an aversion to puzzles.  And I’d like to buy that person a drink.