Every house hold has different rules. Sometimes you have to take your shoes off,
sometimes you can’t eat in front of the TV etc. etc.
When I became a parent I fully expected to have to enforce
certain rules with my kids. Use your
manners, wash your hands, pick up your toys…stuff like that.
Recently, however, we’ve had to come up with some rules that
I feel are, um, unique to our family.
I’m here to share some of them with you. This will give you an idea of what my life is
actually like on a daily basis. Hopefully you have some interesting takes on
normal, everyday rules as well. At least
that’s what I tell myself…I can’t be the only one living this insanity, right?
Right? Hello? You guys there?
Well anyway, here we go with today’s top ten list.
Top Ten Original House
Rules:
#10 – Everyone flushes their own pee.
If you follow this blog you know that, no, I’m not making
this up. This is a real honest to God
issue in my home. Someone stabbing you
and someone flushing your pee warrant the exact same reaction. Do you know how many times I’ve had to sacrifice
my own pee flushing in order to keep the peace?
“Stop screaming…I’ll let you flush the next time I pee, k?” Unfortunately for me flushing my pee is not
as cool as tormenting your brother by flushing HIS pee. I need cooler pee.
#9 – No one is an underpants head.
Don’t call anyone an underpants head, even if they are at
that moment running around the house with underpants on their head (which,
sadly, happens more often than one might think).
I can come up with exactly one million, fifty five thousand,
three hundred and eight worse names than “underpants head”. But for some reason that one is the be all
end all of insults here. For an idea of
how awful it is to be called an underpants head please reference the stabbing/pee
flushing level of upset from #10…
#8 – No one is to step on their brother’s face.
Do I need to elaborate on this one?
#7 – Do not put stickers on the dog.
Ever. Even if, as you
insist is the case, he” told you he wanted them”. The look of shame and disgust on his face
right now tells me you may have misunderstood him. In fact, I’m pretty sure if he thought he
could get away with eating you right now he would.
#6 – Do not pretend to hug me while secretly wiping your
nose on me.
I’m on to you, you disgusting little creatures! When you get lovey out of the blue for no
apparent reason I know what you’re up to.
Jerks.
#5 – You cannot have lunch if you’re naked.
Don’t even bother coming to the table if you have no clothes
on. No shoes, no shirt, no problem. No underwear, no pants, however, we got
issues.
#4 – Poking people in the eye with a banana is not an
acceptable way to let them know you’re awake.
Maybe next time you could just say “Hey, Mom. I’m awake.”
It will actually save you the trouble of going downstairs, climbing the
counters and getting the banana. Really,
I’m only looking out for your best interest.
That just seems like a lot of work to me.
#3 – If you’re asked to clean up your toys and you chose
to ignore that request you’re not allowed to bitch when your mom vacuums up
your stuff.
And in addition, I had very little sympathy for you when you
woke up in the middle of the night sobbing and screaming “You sucked up my
guys!” In fact, I’m kind of glad you had nightmares about it; that means it
worked. And it also means you and your
future therapist will never run out of things to talk about. You’re welcome.
#2 – Anyone attempting to rise before the sun is up shall
be immediately put up for adoption.
No exceptions. No questions
asked. If I can’t see light coming from
the sky then I don’t want to see your face.
And last, but not least, the most important rule of all…
#1 – Mommy does not have a favorite child…she just has
one she’d like to harm less.
But the good news is you guys typically go back and forth on
whose day it is to suck the most. I’d
have to say this is the one thing you are really good at sharing. Great job, boys!
No comments:
Post a Comment