Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend and I just want to say that I love being your mom. I know sometimes it must feel like I’m a crazy lunatic who never knows which end is up. That’s actually true a lot of the time. This parenting gig is hard and there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes that you don’t know about and wouldn’t understand. It’s mom stuff. I do a lot of mom stuff without you ever realizing it. Someday maybe you’ll be a parent and then maybe you’ll get it. But until then I’ve made a list of some of the stuff I’m talking about. I hope someday you’ll read it and realize that I’m not always the type of mom I want to be but I’m always the type of mom I can manage to be. And that must be enough because, after all, it’s gotten us this far.
So in honor of Mother’s Day I give you…
Things You Oughta Know:
-I see so much of myself in you…and it scares the absolute shit out of me.
-I will always love you. I don’t always like you that much, though.
-I don’t get offended when you say I’m the worst mom ever or that you hate me because I know you’re just mad and don’t really mean that.
-I DO get offended when you won’t give me a bite of your mac and cheese because DUDE! I gave you life!
-I re-kiss you and re-tuck you in every night before I go to bed to make sure you’re comfortable, your blankets are straight and you’re not too hot or cold.
-When I see grass stains on your clothes while I’m doing laundry I think “Wow, they must have really had fun this day!” and it makes me happy.
-When the little shithead girls at the park said you couldn’t come in the clubhouse because you were annoying them I gave them a dirty look and said “He doesn’t want to play with you anyway” and then took you out for donuts.
-I know I say I drink a lot of wine because of you…but yeah, that’s actually true.
-Sometimes you catch me staring at you and you say “What?” and look at me like I’m crazy. But it’s just because I’m having a moment where I just want to grab you and squeeze the life out of you due to extreme love...so intense staring is the less violent way to express those feelings.
-I whisper things about how awesome you are in your ear while you sleep.
-I never want you feel an ounce of pain. And when you are in pain I wish I could take it all away.
-Except for when I say “Stop doing that, you’re gonna get hurt” and you don’t listen to me and eventually get hurt. You earned that pain.
-I like it when you figure things out on your own but I also secretly like it when you need me.
-I would never rather wash dishes or do laundry than play with you but sometimes I have to or we’ll all be naked and eating off the floor.
-I feel guilty every time I throw away a picture you drew or a flower you picked for me. But, I mean, I do it anyway cause where the hell am I supposed to keep all that shit…
-I will always hate the first person who breaks your heart. Even if they go on to cure cancer or solve world hunger. Still dead to me.
-I enjoy my time spent away from you and I don’t feel at all badly about that fact.
-I get annoyed when you relentlessly ask me to play soccer with you but I’m also petrified of the day when you stop asking me to play soccer with you.
-I smell your hair every time I kiss your head.
-Sometimes I love the sound of your voice as you babble away and talk nonsense to me.
-Sometimes I’m so annoyed by you talking to me because I’m in the middle of doing something or need to concentrate and OH MY GOD STOP TALKING!!
-I get really aggravated because you always have to poop at the most inopportune times, like when we’re in Target or out for a walk or in every restaurant we’ve ever been in…ever.
-I’m not a perfect mother. But it’s ok because you’re not a perfect child. And I think we’re both doing just fine.
And most importantly…
-I love you more than I can ever in a million years put into words. So just trust me, it’s a lot.