Said No Mom Ever...

Summer!

Yesterday was the last day of school so now everyone around here is officially on summer vacation.  When you’re a kid summer vacation is, like, the highlight of your life.  You can’t imagine that anything ever in the whole entire universe can match the feeling of walking out of school on that last day with MONTHS of summer in front of you. 

When you’re a parent, however, you’re feelings towards summer vacation change a little.  I’m definitely looking forward to spending time with my kids and having fun in the sun but there are some things that just aren’t as cool about summertime when you’re the mom. 

You may hear moms and dads this summer saying things like “Nice job jumping that wave!” or “I can’t believe you learned how to swim without floaties!” But know what you won’t hear them say?  You won’t hear them say any of the following:

1.       “Finally! Summer! This means everyone will be home all the time and the house will stay clean for half as long as it used to!”

 

2.       “Summer means more play dates and more kids around the house…I CANNOT WAIT till my grocery bill skyrockets due to that fact!”

 

3.       “Putting sunscreen on the kids is the highlight of my day.”

 

4.       “No…wait…I was wrong.  Pulling the kids away from whatever fun thing they’re doing to REAPPLY sunscreen is the highlight of my day.”

 

5.       “I just can’t get enough of that chlorine smell in your hair sweetie!”

 

6.       “YAY! A pile of wet towels!”

 

7.       “Go ahead and eat that popsicle in the house.  In fact, feel free to sit on the couch or just walk around in general.  I’ll gladly clean up the sticky trail you leave behind!”

 

8.       ““I looooooove packing up kids so we can travel.  We’re going away next month…which is perfect because it’ll take me about that long to get all their toys and clothes organized. “

 

9.       “Sand is so easy to get off.”

 

10.   “I’m really looking forward to the biceps I’ll develop this summer from carrying bags, coolers, sand toys, umbrellas, chairs and screaming kids back and forth from the beach to the car!”

 

11.   “It’s vacation and everyone knows vacations are about sleeping in.  My kids will totally get that and be on board with the extra snoozing!”

 

12.   “Know what I love? Taking wet bathing suits up and down so my kids can pee a million times a day.  Love it.”

 

13.   “Summer camp costs how much? Well that seems completely reasonable!”

 

 

14.   “I can’t wait to watch everyone else sit down and relax by the pool while I chase my kids around making sure they don’t die!”

 

15.   “You’re bored and need me to play with you?  I had NO idea.  Say it again…”


16.  "It's so nice you kids can spend so much time together and not fight at all! I just so enjoy the peace and quiet around here!"

 

Happy Summer Vacation!

Yo Ma, Calm Down!

I never pictured motherhood to look like this.  I look around and I assess my days and my kids and myself and, honestly, I never pictured it like this. 

Let me clarify “this” for you:

I never expected it to be 8:15 am and to be holding down one kid trying to get peanut butter out of his freshly showered hair while the other kid repeatedly tries to hand me a shoe saying “Can you untie this?  Can you untie this? Can you untie this?” while I repeatedly say “Not right now.  Not right now.  Not right now.” And the peanut butter kid is screaming and the shoe kid is annoying the shit out of me because he just won’t give up and the dog needs to go out and the dishes need to be done and I need to shower because the last time I showered was…well it wasn’t today…and I’m trying my best to keep it together but all I end up screaming because it’s supposed to be “walk to school day” but I know there is NO WAY we will make it if we walk to school.  And on the way to school we pass all the happy, put-together families who were able to get up and out and walk to school.  And when we get there the friendly teacher says that if we walked to school we get to go sign some piece of paper and get our pat on the back…but we didn’t.  We didn’t walk to school.  And after I drop shoe boy off I have to go back into my car and listen to peanut butter boy who is now crying because he wanted to get out of the car at the school and I wouldn’t let him.  And again…I just want to scream.

Here’s the part where I really want to write “Does anyone else ever have one of THOSE mornings?” But in reality, I can’t even write that with a straight face because that’s a pretty typical morning around here.

Every day is crazy. Everyone yells in my house.  All the time. 

And I know we’re not supposed to. I know that as the parent I’m supposed to stay cool and collected but I basically find this task impossible.  I don’t have it in me.  And before you preach…I’ve tried.  Seriously.  I’ve stood there in the middle of my two screaming kids and tried to speak to them in a peaceful tone without raising my voice. 

In order to gauge the effectiveness of this technique please picture trying to hear a butterfly flap its itty bitty delicate wings in the middle of a busy downtown city street.  Can’t be done.  Me basically whispering in the middle of an all-out “He touched my Legos!” type brawl also cannot be done.  I may as well stand there and pick my nose…actually I may get a better reaction if I stood there and picked my nose.

Note to self: Try nose picking technique.

Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to stay calm as a parent.  I’ve seen it done.  I know it exists. 

I have a friend who I’ve known for a year now and through many playground interactions, play dates, school functions etc.  I have never once heard her raise her voice.  Ever.  She’s always the mom who can rationalize anything to the kids and do it with poise and grace and I honestly don't have any idea how she does it. 

She’s over there all:

 

And then there’s me over here all:

 

But, like, I really want to be the normal mom.  I don't want to be the mom with the clenched teeth who is trying to convey with her eyes on the playground just how much trouble her kids are going to be in when she gets them to the car.  I don't want to be the mom who tries deperately to get her kids to stop fighting about where in the car they want to sit (because EVERY SEAT IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN SEAT) but ends up losing her shit in the end.  But I always end up doing the shit losing thing.

So I yell…and then I feel guilty for yelling…so I say I’m going to stop yelling…and that lasts about 37 seconds…

It’s like my kids will only stop doing whatever they’re doing when I get to the point where they fear my head might ACTUALLY explode and then I might make them clean it up.  And there’s nothing they hate more than cleaning up. 

Why you gotta make Mama go all kinds of bat shit, kids?

 

So what’s the point of this post? I’m not sure.  But I just wanted to know if I’m alone in the wild yelling department.  Am I the only one who tries to stay calm but ends up looking like a crazed zombie anyway?  And not those slow moving bastards either, I’m talking about the fast-as-hell, better move your ass or Mama’s gonna eat ya, type of zombie.  Because psychotic moms need love too …